Anyone got a map?

During one of the best Christmas Eve’s in recent history, I enjoyed a movie night with my brother and parents. With the tree decorated, Santa’s presents all put together and cookie crumbs laid out in the kitchen, we settled down to watch Julie & Julia. Though my brother was less than enthusiastic over the choice of movies, he managed to make it through the entire thing, as did my dad, and I only had to wake my mother once (a glowing recommendation for any film). I wasn’t thinking of my writing when I chose this as our Christmas movie, but it made me think long and hard about my blog. Am I blogging with a purpose? Do I need a project? A direction?

My project is simple: myself. My direction: hasn’t been clear in years.

I’m sure I’m one of many that are wondering around aimlessly, trying to find their way. There are thousands of self-help books and talk shows that prove that, but as certain of that as I am, I am also certain that the journey can feel immensely lonely for all of us at times. With that said, I refuse to feel bad for myself. This blog is going to be about my life, about my journey to find whatever it is that I’m looking for. I’m not going to gloss over the tough moments or focus on the “woe is me” aspects of self-discovery. I am not perfect. I laugh. I cry. I obsess. I miss the point. I love. I hate. I need. I want. And sometimes I don’t know the difference between any of it.

I’ve lived my life ashamed of certain aspects of who I am. I fear being viewed as weak. I want to be strong. I want to be brave. In reality, I suffer from/live with severe anxiety. As far back as I can remember it’s been a problem. It’s limited my activities. Even when I was able to overcome it and make it through certain events, they are all marked with the struggle of containing my anxiety: breathing exercises, quick exits and unexplained delays. It’s something I work on every day and will inevitability appear in my writing so I wanted to get that truth out there now.

In addition, I am single. This too is viewed as problem or defect by some. I’m nearly 30 (not really) and have never been married. Oh the shame! In reality, I’m happy that I haven’t settled. I want it all when I finally make that commitment to someone. There needs to be romance, passion, love, friendship, a partnership, loyalty and the commitment to fight for it until the end before I’d even consider getting married. Anything else would be a sham for me and I believe too much in marriage to do that.

Recently, a friend made the comment that I’m not really out there looking for that “special someone.” Maybe she’s right, but what exactly am I supposed to do? Wear a bright red t-shirt that says SINGLE in big letters? Go to the bar every weekend in hopes that the drunk man trying to take me home will magically transform into a respectable, non-sleazy version of the person in front of me and never revert back? Should I force myself to be interested in any man that notices me? No thanks.

Before every married person I know gets offended, I’m not saying that you all settled. I’ve seen marriages with amazing potential, but I bet if you think real hard each of you can think of someone who married because they thought it was what they were supposed to do. It’s easy to fall in love with marriage, much harder to fall in love with someone.

In truth, I enjoy my freedom. I have way too much work to do on myself to take on someone else right now. It’ll happen when it happens. Until then I have plenty to keep me busy.

I think that gives you enough background information on me, so if you decide to join me on my journey, don’t say I didn’t warn you.